Confusion

Some kids decide at the age of 5 that they want to be a musician and then, throughout their lives work towards this specific goal. Once they realize what their true calling is they just never stop. I am extremely envious of such people. The first ‘dream’ that I think I had was to become an astronaut. I remember telling my mom this when I was like 6-7 years old. This ‘dream’ didn’t last for too long though. I think my wannabe astronaut phase lasted for a couple of years. After this, I wanted to be a cricketer for a while, and a doctor phase followed. Now, hopefully, I won’t sound arrogant while saying this, but from childhood, I have been good at a lot of things and maybe that’s the reason I could never settle for one. This resulted in something horrible though, I was good at so many things without being great at even one. Finally, I settled on computer science as my passion; or so I thought. Unknown to me, I had developed a liking for journalism and writing as well. Before this, even though I kept changing my passion from time to time, I always had only one dream in my head. This time, however, my brain loved two different things and I had an extremely hard time deciding which one to break up with. After a lot of thinking, I decided to listen to my mom and chose computer science, which is the safer option.

I have now spent a little over a year studying CS. Thankfully, I haven’t developed hatred towards the field. However, it’s not like I’m loving it. I still think about the what-if a lot. Recently, the frequency of these thoughts has increased.

My passion for writing has started to pop up again.

I am a little bit scared though, what if I start getting bored of writing too? What if I start hating the subject that I had voluntarily chosen?

My brain kept repeating these questions and soon I got really anxious. This is another thing my brain does. When I am confused or anxious it works overtime, I go down a deep hole of interconnected thoughts, and the worst part, this usually happens in the nighttime, so it affects my sleep. Before I could solve this issue, the first thing I needed was for my brain to relax a little bit. So, I took a break and started doing other things to distract myself. Other things include this blog, which is now 3 posts long and has now officially become the longest project I have worked on. But I have still not addressed the problem. There’s a lot of thinking that I have to do. There are some important decisions I need to make. 

My confusion is not only limited to what I want to do, it extends to who I want to do too. I don’t want to talk about that right now, maybe some other time. For now, I have some life-altering choices ahead of me and I have no idea which is the right option.

Fate is nothing but a series of choices that we make, you can always change fate or destiny by making a different choice later. So, I’m not going to regret the decision I am about to make even if it turns out to be the wrong one. All I’ll do is try and make the right decision next time. Because life gives us a lot of chances, some we hit and some we miss. And I think if we keep regretting one miss, we won’t get any hits after that. My greatest desire is to die happy and more importantly, to die without regrets. So, no matter how many times I screw up, I cannot let myself regret it for too long, because death is always waiting and I want to greet it with a smile. 

Life recently feels like:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

Love,

Pranav