LOVE

Well, because I failed to introduce myself properly the last time, I’ll try to do it now. As you probably already know my name is Pranav, I’m 19, and right now, I’m getting an undergraduate degree in computer science engineering, hopefully. In the last post, I told everyone a lot about the kind of person I am but I forgot to tell you all one very important thing: I am a hopeless romantic. I know that the term ‘Hopeless Romantic’ is thrown around a lot these days, but I genuinely believe that I am one. I think that there is someone whom you were meant to find, and meant to fall in love with, I have total faith in the concept of a soulmate.

The term soulmate has become one of my favourite words in the English language. A lot of people say “But Pranav, the concept of love and soulmates is nothing but childish ideas, there’s no way there exists someone who is perfect for you and who was born for you” and well I agree. I think that lots of people look at the concept of soulmate from the wrong perspective. While I think that we are meant to find this person, I don’t think that they’ll be satisfying all the requirements set by us. I believe that love takes effort, love is a journey, not the destination. The journey of knowing the tiniest details about someone, details like the type of music they like to hear on a rainy day, the type of clothes they like to wear when the sun is shining brightly, is love! According to me, at least. If you expect this type of love as soon as you meet someone, you are definitely in for a disappointment. Love is a slow process; love demands a lot of patience, and love needs adjustment and understanding.

Based on the preaching up to now you may think that I am an old-school loverboy who has never done anything fun in my life. Now, to be honest, it’s not like I have always been on the lookout for my soulmate, I’ve had a ‘Hoe-phase’ too. I have experienced the other side: casual relationships. In the beginning, it felt terrific; absolutely no restrictions or commitment. But very soon, it got boring. I realized that it just wasn’t for me. I will most likely never be doing that again. I am not judging anyone who believes in the casual lifestyle, I think human beings have different philosophies and that’s the beauty of being human.

You may also be thinking that I have already found my soulmate. Unfortunately, I am still on the hunt. But I have been in love before, I am not a total newbie. To be precise, I have been in love a grand total of two times. Before I talk about the times I was in love, let me tell you guys about my first crush, I was 7 when I felt the sensation of attraction for the first, she used to sit two rows ahead of me, I do not remember ever speaking to her. Screw that, I don’t even think I ever waved hello to her. Surprisingly, I still remember her name. Liking her is one of my earliest memories. I shifted schools that year and never saw her again. After her, my heart took a five-year hiatus from liking someone. The next time I liked someone was also the first time I fell in love. I was 12 years old, I had just moved to a new city and it was my first day in school, I saw her and had an instant crush on her, something important to remember: In 7^th grade, my idea of flirting was being mean and arguing with her. I thought this was a good idea because it allowed me to talk to her without giving anything away. We gradually became good friends and eventually, the best of friends, my feelings for her also grew simultaneously, and somewhere along the line, I fell in love with her. I was too scared to tell her about my feelings at this point because of two reasons. One, I was afraid of rejection, and two scared that our friendship may be lost. Thankfully, I was able to gather up enough courage and tell her. Fortunately, she didn’t reciprocate those feelings. I say fortunately because soon after telling her I realized something; we were better as friends than we could have been as a couple. I think one can find your soulmate in a friendship too, and I have since realized that she was my soulmate but just not the type I had initially thought she was.

Now, this next person is the person I have felt the deepest level of love for yet, she was my first girlfriend. I was 16 when this happened. The way our relationship started was with a little bit of classic cliché teenage flirting: our class was given an activity where we had to cook without fire, so everyone made desserts or some kind of chaat. My friend was making some dessert and had some chocolate to spare, he gave it to me and after I ate it, she came to me and asked for some. I ask her to take it from my mouth ;) I still remember the way she giggled that day. Fast forward a couple of weeks, we speak more and learn more about each other and then we finally get together during our class photograph. We had gone to a studio to get the photo taken and since it was my friend’s birthday that day. She treated all of us to some delicious food from a restaurant nearby. Me and let’s call her Anna sat next to each other and held hands and just like that, we were together. Now, our relationship was beautiful, it was some of the best months of my life. As I learned more about her, I just started to love her more and more. Well, just like any other relationship, ours had issues too and being the kid I was, I was unable to figure out how to fix some of the issues and unfortunately, we had to break up. Even though our relationship lasted for barely 7 months, it took me nearly a year and a half to get over her. Another thing I forgot to mention: I get deeply attached easily. I can only hope that she felt the same for me too.

I haven’t loved anybody after that. Not like I don’t want to but as I already told you guys, love is a slow process and two years of pandemic did not make it easy. Recently, I thought I loved someone but soon I realized that I did not love her, rather I was in love with an idea that I had created in my head, that’s another mistake we humans make sometimes, without knowing everything about a person, we created images of them in our head and put those images on a pedestal. I reiterate love is a slow process, give it its own sweet time. Try and know as much about a person as possible and do not create unrealistic scenarios in your mind. Also, try to keep expectations a little low, because not everyone is going to share your feelings and that’s totally OK. You have got to pick yourself back up and not give up on love, ever.

 

One of my favourite quotes ever goes:  

(It’s from 'You', a Netflix show)

 

So go ahead and take that risk, because the most beautiful experience of your life may be waiting for you.

Love,

Pranav.